The first time I remember being introduced to meditation was by a friend of mine during a summer working in Germany. I was struggling with a number of things, I asked her to show me how it worked. And so we sat crosslegged on the floor in our shared bedroom as she attempted to guide me through the process of letting thoughts arise and watching them pass through. I found it difficult and unsettling. The thoughts that arose were not ones I felt comfortable observing or releasing.
I tried multiple times, but always struggled to connect with guided meditations. I never really got into headspace, although I loved the guided runs that were done as part of a collaboration with the nike running app. I remember during my undergraduate days listening to audio recordings filed under “self-help resources” on our university counselling service’ web-page, feeling awkward and self-aware as I tried to follow them through. Just a few months ago I tried again, this time following videos from Yoga with Adriene – but I still felt that I was missing something, that I got a much more meditative experience from her regular yoga videos than from her dedicated meditation series.
And then just the other day I came across the quote above and it prompted a small epiphany. At some point along the way I had formed an expectation that to meditate was to achieve emptiness and calm, to let all thoughts arise and go. I expected it to be an exercise that would allow me to feel better, I kept returning to it in the hope that somehow it would make me feel better.
Now I view it as a few moments to tap in to how I’m feeling, what’s going on in my mind and body. After a lifetime unconsciously spent trying to suppress any feelings that felt uncomfortable, I’m learning what it feels like to put a label to what my body is experiencing: I am tense, I am tired, I am scared. I want more time to recuperate. I don’t want to do this anymore. And although there is often no solution, just putting meaning to the feelings is proving to be such a relief for me. Sometimes it seems to shift everything, just the action of listening to myself, even when nothing else has changed So I just thought I’d share, in case it’s helpful for you too.
Sending you love,
Zx
Mad to Live 